Thursday, September 1, 2011

Trying to Cope

The month of August has been a rough one for me and Jeffrey and our families.  I lost my Grandma August 1th and he, his Granddad August 25th.  Both of them were struggling with dementia and Alzheimer's, and I really believe they are in a better place now and God has welcomed them with open arms.

My Grandma Pulley, who when I was little I called my "Grandma in the White House."  Haha...when I would say it around people other than my family that didn't know any better, people would look very confused...thinking I was speaking of Mrs. Reagan in DC ;).  But I loved (and still do) my Grandma Pulley almost more than any other person on the planet.  She was/is my favorite.  I spent many days growing up with her, and my Granddaddy, while Mom helped Daddy in the fields or went to run errands.  Grandma and I always loved to play tea party, I would have some good old fashioned sun tea and gram crackers with her on an old stool that was always sitting near the fireplace.  We would always toast by saying "salute"!  Another memory I have that the story gets told alot is my Grandma always had a drawer full of candy and I loved getting to have some.  One day when I was about 3or 4 I got ahold of a large bag of M&Ms and ate the whole thing.  As I was snacking I went with Grandma out to the front porch to swing (as we loved to do) and because of all the chocolate I got sick right there on the front porch haha.  Grandma was so mad at herself for letting me get into those M&Ms.  I have so many great memories of her and my Graddaddy that it would be too long to share, but I was so blessed to have them love me so much and that I got to spend so much time with them.

Jeffrey's Granddad meant a lot to me too, even though he was not my biological grandfather he helped fill a void of having no grandfather after I lost my Granddaddy Pulley my senior year of high school (and had lost my Granddaddy Pittman when I was 5).  Graddad Holt knew my Graddaddy and grew up in Ivor together.  They went to school together and Graddad Holt was good friends with a couple of my Graddaddy's younget brothers.  Whenever we saw him, Graddad Holt was sit me down for a couple hours telling me stories of growing up in Ivor and the relationships and crazy things he did with the Pulley boys.  I cherished each story so much, and most of the time didn't want them to end. 

At the time of the lose of my Grandma Pulley, I am a wife and a mother, two things that I have not been when a loved one has passed on my side of the family.  I quickly learned that those two roles don't leave you much time to grieve, especially the mother part, because you have others that depend on you and need you to not be a blubbering mess on the couch.  So my grieving process is being drawn out, and with the recent passing of Graddad Holt my sorrow for the lose of him adds to my grief. 

Emotionally I am pretty overwhelmed right now, but do not have time to deal with it.  I really need a day to just cry.  I get a good cry in every day, whether it be in the shower, on the way to or from work, or at night before I go to sleep.  All this emotional baggage is adding to my already tiring days of 2 full time jobs (work and motherhood).  I am not looking for pitty and trying to complain, this is just how I feel about the situation.

I just miss my Grandma very much and now Granddad.  I am hoping September will bring better days for both sides of my family and we can all heal and rejoice in the memories we have.  And I thank God for the time spent with each of them, and allowing them to live such long and fulfilled lives.


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